Jet Noise Caption Contest Hall of Shame

Back in February of 2004, a Great Tradition was born... a Mighty Race of Heroes arose upon the Decks of the Captain's Quarters.

Before them was the Face of the Evil One. Like the fighting men of Agincourt, they did not blench at the sight of danger, but vanquished the Enemy with searing wit and half-vast intellect.

And so their noble deeds have been immortalized in this, the Jet Noise Hall of Shame for future ages to ponder and revere:

Old farts forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But we'll remember, with advantages,
What feats of captioning you did that day!
Then shall your names,
Familiar in our mouths as household words-
Pile On, spd rdr, Purple Raider, JarheadDad,
Be in our flowing mugs freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And th'anniversry of the
Kerry Caption Contest shall ne'er go by,

From this day to the ending of the world,
But you Noble Hearts in it shall be remembered-
You few, you happy few, you band of brothers;
For you who captioned that twit Kerry that day
Were made as brothers; be you ne'er so vile,
That day hath gentled your condition;
And gentlemen on other blogs now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd
They were not there,

And hold their manhoods cheap whilst any speaks
That Captioned Not upon the Contest Day.

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Pile On

February 24, 2004 Captains Quarters

Hero of Soviet Union:

Put that lighter back in your pocket you stupid redneck, I DON'T EFFIN KNOW FREEBIRD!

March 10, 2004 Captain's Quarters

Honorable Mention:

I'm John Kerry, and I have approved this public display of tender man on man affection.

March 17, 2004 Captain's Quarters

You Have The Conn #2 (NFC Champ)

Ok, Gephardt, you run toward Iowa street then fade south and stay there, Dean go hard left and then off deep; Kucinich you go short, very short, Edwards, you aren't going anywhere; just stay in the pocket with me and try and make me look good, got it? On three,...break.

April 14, 2004 Captain's Quarters

Report to Sick Bay/Injured Reserve (On The Double)

John honey, I didn't know you enjoyed football so much, I thought your ohhh ohhh ohhh face was something special just between us.--
Theresa

May 3, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

3rd: At a recent pro-abortion march in Washington D.C. one protester expresses her deep seated rage at her bush being neither selected or elected.

July 4, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

1st: Pile On® - The Deserter and the Desserter.

July 14, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

1st: Pile On®, "Yes, it’s true. Fat Albert went on to a successful medical practice. Mushmouth? Well…let’s just say….he b-be-b doing-b ten-b to b-twenty-b in-b the b-bighouse b-man-b."

September 14, 2004 Jet Noise Kerry's Big Gun

3rd Pile On: Here, let me show you West Virginia peckerwoods how we celebrate marrying a billionaire out on the Cape of Cod.

September 20, 2004 Jet Noise Bat Caption Contest

TRUSTY SIDEKICK AWARD: Pile On®

OKAY CHARLES!!

You can have horse woman over for a slumber party but only if you come down off that ledge this instant.

October 5, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

3rd: Pile On - "Long suspected but never proven Big Tex’s drug problem is finally exposed during a federal sting operation when he is caught on film sniffing crack."

October 12, 2004 Jet Noise Look At That Shiny Thing

First Down: Pile On® :Known for his lack of public speaking abilities, Senator Kerry illustrates his foreign policy by calling for a punt on first down.

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Cassandra

February 24, 2004 Captain's Quarters

You have the Conn #2 Lyrics:

For every flip-flop
Turn, turn, turn...
I swear! there's a reason!
Turn, turn, turn...
And I've voted for ev'ry position
Under heaven.
A time to be Pro
A time to be Con
A time to Bend
A time to Sway
A time to bring up Vietnam
A time to put Vietnam behind us...

March 10, 2004 Captain's Quarters:


Ist Place: Edwards: "Well... if you're sure this will win over the Log
Cabin Republicans...

April 14, 2004 Captain's Quarters

You Have The Conn #1 (The Bomb)
"Do I catch it, or let it go...catch it, or let it go...damn I wish those poll results were in!

May 3, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

2nd: Cassandra - Proudly, Muffy waved her sign aloft. That
expensive English Lit degree from Tufts had allowed her to express
her views with an grace and economy of expression that did credit
to her gender.

May 26, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

2nd: Cassandra - Brad Pitt reminds us of the wisdom of the old adage, "Beware of Greeks baring gifts".

July 26, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

2nd: Cassandra - Once again, Senator John Kerry demonstrates that he is incapable of straight shooting.

September 14, 2004 Jet Noise Kerry's Big Gun

2nd: Cassandra - Clearly speaking with the safety off, the Democratic candidate was heard to remark: "If guns are outlawed, only Senators will have guns."

BEST TRUE CAPTION: Cassandra

"I was against it before I owned it".

September 20, 2004 Jet Noise Bat Caption Contest

BATGIRL (You can come along in case the guys get tied up and need rescuing....again): Cassandra

"Do we have Tipper on the phone yet? Big Al's gone off his lithium again..."

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JarheadDad

February 24, 2004 Captains Quarters

You have the Conn #1 Lyrics:

I've been walking these streets so long
Changing the same old song
I know every crack in these dirty sidewalks of DC
Where wafflin's the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There's been a load of compromising
To the Vets on my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the medals are shining on me

Like a Mekong cowboy
Riding out on a boat in a star spangled Viet Float
Like a Mekong cowboy
Using lies and slander from people I don't even know
And offers coming over the phone

Well I really don't mind the rain
And a smile can hide all the pain
But you're down when you're riding a train
That's financed the wrong way
And I dream of the thing I'll do
With a White House token and the UN tucked inside my crew
There's been a load of compromising
To the Vets on my horizon
But I'm gonna be where the medals are shining on me

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spd rdr

March 17, 2004 Captain's Quarters

You Have The Conn #1 (AFC Champ)
"Tick..tick.. tick.. tick.."

April 20, 2004 Captain's Quarters

Captain's Award (Sailor Moon)
Now pay attention, children. This is a voting booth. VO-ting boooo-the.
On election day, you little guys go to the table marked "DEM"
and the nice lady will let you go into the booth. Pull the "blue" lever.
Got that? Pull the the BLUE lever.
Don't touch the red lever or your mommy will die.

May 19, 2004 Captain's Quarters

You Have The Conn #1 (Floating Feather) -- Spd Rdr:

With a subtle grace not seen since the Ford Administration, Senator Kerry gently nuances the ball over the net.

September 14, 2004 Jet Noise Kerry's Big Gun

WELL THAT'S JUST SICK AWARD:

"You'd better run, Teresa! I'm only counting to two this time!
One."
BOOM
"Two.
Any of you gals rich and single?"

September 27th, 2004 Jet Noise Caption Contest

Kenneth Cole Petite Sophisticate Award: spd rdr

The defense attorney's faith in his case was for the first time shaken when Mr. Jackson's lone character witness entered the courtroom.

October 12, 2004 Jet Noise Look At That Shiny Thing

Second Down: spd rdr

The candidate looked refreshed after landing in Ohio, despite the rigors of an all-night naked Twister party the evening before.

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Purple Raider

April 07, 2004 Captain's Quarters


Captain's Sailing Song Special Award -- Purple Raider:

(to the tune of Eve of Destruction):
My leathery face, it is expanding
Wrinkles flaring, Botox fading
I need another treatment, but not from Dean,
I don't believe my hair,
the hair weave's looking mean,
And Denny K's tin hat is Looking Green,
And I'll tell you over and over and over again my friend,
Ah you don't believe that I'm a Nam Vet.

May 19, 2004 Captain's Quarters

Best Musical Reference (Gump, You're A *&$%$# Genius!) -- Purple Raider:

"They Call him Kerry, Kerry, faster than ketchup.
No one you see is nuanced as he
And we know Kerry Votes for a bill then against it
Getting the praise from Uncle Teddy.

Everyone loves the Vietnam Vet
Ever so brave and fearless is he
Medals he won sent over the fence
Then displayed for all to see

They call him Kerry, Kerry taxing the rich folks
No one you see is fairer than he
And we know Kerry Kerry lives in five mansions
Him and Teresa and his dog VC"

September 14, 2004 Jet Noise Kerry's Big Gun

1st: - Purple Raider

"Now let's crawl on our bellies and hunt deer!"

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Cricket

June 3, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

2nd, La Femme Crickita — “My precious…mine. My own. Nassty little
cardinalsess, they wantsss the precious…
they won’t have it until they takes it from my poor dead fingersess…yesss.
I won’t show this to my secretary…
he tried to bite poor me yesterday he did…vile secretary…

July 26, 2004 OTB Caption ContestTM

3rd, La Femme Crickita - "This was exactly the position I was in when I got my first Purple Heart . . . "

September 14, 2004 Jet Noise Kerry's Big Gun

WELL THAT'S JUST SICK AWARD: La Femme Crickita

"What do you call a skydiving John Edwards?"
Skeet!
Kerry: "Pull!"

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September 20, 2004 Jet Noise Bat Caption Contest

BATMOBILE AWARD: Don Brouhaha

"... And in other news, after being told by Senator Kerry that the allies of the United States in Iraq were 'nobodies', Prime Minister Tony Blair was seen dressed in a Batman suit, trying to rally other members of the Justice League to his cause."

October 12, 2004 Jet Noise Look At That Shiny Thing

Third Down: Don Brouhaha

"Geez, John, it would be a lot easier to play football here at Lambert Field if these jets weren't all taxiing around. John? John? Where'd you go John?"

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October 12, 2004 Jet Noise Debate Caption Contest

The King of Beers: Greg
"That's right Mac, HE'S buying". "Hey, did I ever tellya about the time I was at Lambert Field in December of '67? I tell you, it's 'seared', 'seared' into my brain. Nixon was President and............."

October 12, 2004 Jet Noise Look At That Shiny Thing

See The Doc Immediately (tie): Greg

"If my press liason suggests THIS photo-op in San Francisco...I'm firing his as*"

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October 12, 2004 Jet Noise Look At That Shiny Thing

See The Doc Immediately (tie): CKC

"CATCH, Kim Jung! Hold it while I assume the Yoga As(s)anas "Sun [don't shine] Pose"...but don't push any of the buttons!!

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September 27th, 2004 Jet Noise Caption Contest

Elton John Fashion Forward Award: Freeven

Adjusting to their newly found freedom, Iraqi women have begun measuredly testing ancient mores.

October 12, 2004 Jet Noise Debate Caption Contest

This Bud's For You: Freeven

Hey, how come every time I mention Vietnam, they all take a chug? That reminds me, did I tell you about the time my bunk mate Hawkeye and I built our own still?

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October 12, 2004 Jet Noise Debate Caption Contest

Anybody Feel A Draft? RIslander

Are you sure that woman down there is worth more than 700 million. Because, if she is, this could be one of those magic moments.

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September 14, 2004 Jet Noise Kerry's Big Gun

3rd (tie) KJ

"I shot one warning shot into the air, like this. I waited 10 seconds, then I razed the villiage and killed every man, woman and child I could find with the knowledge and consent of my CO. Well, not me, but at least I heard about many soldiers that did this in Vietnam on a daily basis."

September 27th, 2004 Jet Noise Caption Contest

Badgley Mischka Glamour Award: KJ (Mommy, where's Montanta?)

As Judy approached the Montanta stream, she realized that she had forgotten something. . . . She had left her fishing pole and tackle box in the truck.

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September 14, 2004 Jet Noise Kerry's Big Gun

WELL THAT'S JUST SICK AWARD... bahabuddha™

See? You hold it up high like this when you want to gun-butt children...