9/11 Committee: God To Blame For Terrorist Attacks

In a move that stunned lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, the 9/11 commission affixed ultimate responsibility for the September 11th terrorist attacks on none other than Jehovah, the Lord God of Hosts. Otherwise known as God, Allah, Buddha, The Almighty, The Man Upstairs, or The Big Guy, Jehovah could not be reached for comment. His publicist is expected to release a statement shortly.

Committee member Richard Ben-Veniste remarked: “Clearly, this ‘God’ has a lot to answer for. This commission is determined to trace accountability to the highest offices. For three years the American public has waited for Him to admit that mistakes were made. God owes the 9/11 families a public apology. This commission will make sure they get it.”

Ben-Veniste summarized the committee’s findings:

- As an omniscient being, God knew or should have known what those 19 men were up to on that fateful day. "We know he’s busy, but the ball was dropped", remarked Ben-Veniste.

- Much attention has been focused on the increase in terrorist chatter prior to 9/11. Who was in a better position to monitor this chatter than the Lord? Someone was obviously asleep at the wheel.

- As an all-powerful deity, He had the last clear chance to stop the 9/11 attack in its tracks. His failure to take action is inexcusable and will not be tolerated by this commission.

- A few thousand years ago, God set in motion a chain of events that led directly to the 9/11 attacks. In effect, a “wall” was erected between Christianity and Islam. God’s followers became divided: now Christians don't talk to Muslims, everyone hates the Jews, and all of Creation is alienated, disorganized, and confused. Commission member Jamie Gorelick stated, “Someone took a wrong turn in the desert long, long ago. Today we're paying the price for His reckless and arrogant policy decisions”.

- God’s plan for creation was clearly flawed: a loving creator should never allow such a tragedy to occur on his watch. "But this isn’t the first time ‘God’ has screwed up." Ben-Veniste remarked. "Look at the Holocaust, the slaughter in Cambodia and Kosovo, and the 2000 Presidential election."

John Lehman commented, "It's a scandal that after laboring for seven days to create the earth, God comes up with a plan for incident management that puts into concrete a clearly dysfunctional system. ... God’s “so-called plan” was not worthy of the Boy Scouts, let alone the lord of all creation."

Senator Ted Kennedy was also outraged: “And our president is asking this ‘God’ for advice? I think it’s time we asked if the relationship between God and George Bush wasn’t just a bit too chummy – his judgment was clearly compromised. That’s why we’ve been trying to get God out of the Democrat party and of public life for years. That judgment has now been vindicated.”

- Cassandra