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July 23, 2004
A Stark And Dormy Night
Since my concentration was completely destroyed at the end of the day yesterday, I see no reason not to derail yours today. The 2004 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest Results are out.
If you're not familiar with this contest, it parodies the tortured prose of Earl Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who penned the lines immortalized by Snoopy ("It was a dark and stormy night") in Charles Schultz's Peanuts comic strip. I always enjoy reading the winning entries, but often find the Honorable Mentions even funnier. A few of my favorites:
It was a stark and dormy night -- the kind of Friday night in the dorm where wistful women/girls without dates ovulated pointlessly and dreamed of steamy sex with bad boy/men in the backseat of a Corvette--like the one on Route 66, only a different color, though the color was hard to determine because the TV show was in black and white -- if only Corvettes had back seats.David Kay
Lake Charles, LA
This one is classic: it may end up at the bottom of my work email. Because I work with software metrics, "You can't compare apples and oranges" is one of the most overworked memes in the industry. Consequently, reading this nearly caused me to spray coffee all over my laptop:
Maynard Fimble was told that "you can't compare apples and oranges," but, he thought, they are both eatable, grow on trees, are about the same size, are good for you, have a peel, come in many varieties, and are approximately round in shape, thus, to his horror and guilt, he realized that he was comparing them and wondered what punishment awaited him and on whose order.Charles Jaworski
North Pole, AK
Love ends tragically in Geekworld...
It was 11:59 AM according to the clock located on the lower right hand side of his desktop display on his task bar (for Microsoft Windows XP was the standard Operating System in use at his office) and life was effectively over, as his one true love, his eternal soul mate, called him from her Nokia 3130 cell phone by depressing and holding the three key, using the soon-to-be-erased quick dial feature, to let him know their passionate and tumultuous relationship had to end.Thomas Mills
Lorton, Virginia
This one haunts me for some reason:
I woke up in Shirley's father's dog's house -- or at least most of me did, because the house was ranch style as near as I could figure it and Shirley's father's dog Tracey was one of those little terrier types with the sardonic overbite and the haunted eyes of a Flamenco dancer.Jim Waples
Wauwatosa, WI
This person is a genius:
"Where to hide?" was Ovinia's only thought as she raced madly across the field outside Aberdeen and up a grassy incline, frantically seeking escape from the man who was hell-bent on possessing her, on making her his and his alone, having succumbed to her beauty, drawn into near madness by the watery depths of her brown eyes and lured by the exotic perfume of lanolin and newly-mown hay which wafted from her thick coat as she grazed.Leslie Neumann
Ballston Spa, NY
Hat tip to spd rdr via Sheila A-Stray.
- Cassandra
July 23, 2004 at 05:53 AM | Permalink
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Having spoken to his co-workers at length about the dangers of repetitive blogging at work, Bobby was surprised to find himself drawn into the medium and could only watch as if disembodied as his hours were spilled onto the Samsung 17 inch diagonal plamsa acreen in a torrent of meaningless words and half-considered opinions that would be be spread at the speed of light acrosss the globe and, unbeknownst to Bobby, directly into his boss' laptop.
Posted by: spd rdr at Jul 23, 2004 7:28:15 AM
mr. rdr... one word:
NTWMIWTADASIAOMM
Oh Lord, I can tell it's going to be hard to get any work done today.
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 8:02:18 AM
The unarmed man stared across the bare room at the stranger, slowly taking in the man's imposing size an scarred and mustachiod face peering from beneath the brim of his black hat, his hands poised just above the pearl handles of his twin Colt Peacemaker revolvers resting lightly in the black leather holster, and asked "Say Buddy, would you mind scratching my nose?"
Ho do you pronounce "meme?"
Posted by: spd rdr at Jul 23, 2004 8:07:52 AM
You are such an incredible fool... :)
You're a natural - you should enter next year.
I have a feeling you are trying to sucker me because you are much smarter than I. Everyone I have ever hear pronounces it "meem" but that is incorrect technically because it is Phrench, as in 'la meme chose'.
Paste this link into your address bar to hear it spoken:
http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=mem&x=16&y=11
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 8:30:21 AM
Uh...that would be "Everyone I have ever heard..."
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 8:31:38 AM
Nancy ran as if her life depended upon it, knowing that in scant seconds the unimaginable would befall her and all of her meticulous planning and scheming would end up in the trash bin of history, as had all of her previous meticulous plans and schemes, and that unless she made good this last final dash her younger sister would lock the bathroom door and use up all the hot water, thus delaying her date with dreamy Ben Platt.
Posted by: spd rdr at Jul 23, 2004 9:21:06 AM
The last one seems suspisciouly likely to be based on the reality of four daughters in the spd rdr household (I grew up with three sisters.)
Y'know, her name was McGill,
and she called herself Lil
But everyone knew her as Nancy
Fiction? You make the call.
And nobody, except a two bit pimp in a New Orleans, uh, house of ill repute, uh, would have pearl handled pistols. They are probably ivory handled.
Just thought you should know.
Posted by: Don Brouhaha at Jul 23, 2004 9:41:00 AM
OK, I have to catch up but I have to deal with a needy client first guys. Sorry.
spd, you're killing me :)
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 9:48:47 AM
The entries are great, and spd rdr's additional entries here are great as well. I am trying really hard to get back to work. Quit it.
Posted by: KJ at Jul 23, 2004 10:18:33 AM
Steve started noticeably in response to the question, having been caught completely off-guard by the judges heretofore friendly, nay, jovial and collegial manner, and noticing out of the corner of his eye the jury beginning to squirm and titter at his discomfort, he immediately began to stammer the only words that came into to his cramped and frightened mind; "Can you repeat the question, your Honor?"
Posted by: spd rdr at Jul 23, 2004 10:49:12 AM
Listening to the same old promises she’d heard time after time, Cass’s hopes rose like an aging bachelor on a stale batch of Viagra purchased over the Internet: not as fast as they used to, (and she definitely didn’t think she’d be able to keep it up all night long) but somehow she knew she was going to have a swell time helping Elizabeth Dole bring God back into American political life.
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 10:56:29 AM
Furtively slipping away from the wine-and-cheese party, Serena popped another cold one and gulped the icy draft with a shudder of pleasure, snidely musing that there was a special place in Hell reserved for aging Feminists who prefer the King of Beers.
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 12:57:42 PM
As Shana Devlin sliced through the predawn darkness outside the neighborhood Piggly Wiggly supermarket like a hot knife through an overheated tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, she could hear Mammy's voice calling to her from beyond the grave: "Honey chile - a lady allus' carries a fresh change of undergarments and enough money for cab fare home".
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 3:09:49 PM
On his neck, Childs felt the hoary breath of an ill black wind of doom and despair following him as he navigated his way down the dark grimy stairwell towards the brooding miasma oozing and spilling its clotted dampness and stabbing the air with the foul reeking stench that only a basement gymnasium locker room can exude.
Posted by: spd rdr at Jul 23, 2004 4:34:22 PM
As Kate sat hunched over the computer, cackling madly to herself, withered talons pounding away maniacally at the keyboard, she could see her entire life spinning away from her like a bifucating set of images in a kaleidoscope... no! like a distorted reflection in an amusement house Hall of Mirrors... or better yet like one of those loopy runaway go-carts at the Frederick County Fairgrounds that are always on the blink from lack of maintenance and faulty brakepads...until finally the analogy train jumped the tracks and she collapsed, exhausted as, in a final burst of irony, her nose accidentally hit the "Post" key.
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 5:05:16 PM
Admit it, you love me...
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 5:05:58 PM
I had to do something to get you back for that locker room thing - that was truly awful.
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 5:10:10 PM
Cassandra, honey, that is a simile train that is derailing.
Simile - a comparison made using the terms "like or "as."
All of you,
I have read better fiction with more hyperbole in bipartisan Special Committee reports.
Posted by: Mrs. Tingle at Jul 23, 2004 5:16:23 PM
Everyone's a (*&*^%% critic....
Point taken - we artistes cannot concern ourselves with such niceties, you know.
I got caught up in the throes of artistic creation. Step up to the plate Mrs. Tingle so's we can take potshots at your handiwork :)
Main Entry: anal·o·gy
Pronunciation: &-'na-l&-jE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -gies
1 : inference that if two or more things agree with one another in some respects they will prob. agree in others
2 a : resemblance in some particulars between things otherwise unlike : SIMILARITY b : comparison based on such resemblance
3 : correspondence between the members of pairs or sets of linguistic forms that serves as a basis for the creation of another form
4 : correspondence in function between anatomical parts of different structure and origin -- compare HOMOLOGY
synonym see LIKENESS
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 5:21:23 PM
Besides, if the point is to write BAD sentences, then it would make sense to do it, badly
Pppppppthhh.... :)
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 5:22:47 PM
Mommy, Mrs. Tingle is picking on me again!
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 5:23:41 PM
So you were trying to write bad? Hmmm, I thought they were quite good.
Homology, that is a new term to me, I think I will leave it alone.
For now.
Posted by: Pile On® at Jul 23, 2004 5:31:21 PM
Well now I'm trying to figure out if that is an insult or not :)
Posted by: Cassandra at Jul 23, 2004 5:52:27 PM
Mrs. Tingle wondered aloud as she replaced her third grade grammar text, still smarting from the verbal shellacking handed her by Cassandra, a woman whose laguage skills terminated when the itsy-bitsy bits of datum were finally collated into orderly rows of digits, a woman whose bossy opinionated style simply did not lend itself to the exactness required for divining the intricasies surrounding the parts of speech, a women she knew, she absolutely knew couldn't diagram a complex sentence if her life depended upon it, "Could I be mistaken?"
Posted by: spd rdr at Jul 23, 2004 6:09:44 PM
Well, if you were trying to write bad and it turned out good that would be bad. But then if it was bad at being bad by being good, that would be bad. So therefore you would be good at being bad.
But if you were trying to be good at being bad, and turned out something good, well that would be good and bad.
Posted by: Pile On® at Jul 23, 2004 6:20:00 PM
