May 23, 2004
9/11 Committee: God To Blame For Terrorist Attacks
In a move that stunned lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, the 9/11 commission affixed ultimate responsibility for the September 11th terrorist attacks on none other than Jehovah, the Lord God of Hosts. Otherwise known as God, Allah, Buddha, The Almighty, The Man Upstairs, or The Big Guy, Jehovah could not be reached for comment. His publicist is expected to release a statement shortly.
Committee member Richard Ben-Veniste remarked: “Clearly, this ‘God’ has a lot to answer for. This commission is determined to trace accountability to the highest offices. For three years the American public has waited for Him to admit that mistakes were made. God owes the 9/11 families a public apology. This commission will make sure they get it.”
Ben-Veniste summarized the committee’s findings:
- As an omniscient being, God knew or should have known what those 19 men were up to on that fateful day. "We know he’s busy, but the ball was dropped", remarked Ben-Veniste.John Lehman commented, "It's a scandal that after laboring for seven days to create the earth, God comes up with a plan for incident management that puts into concrete a clearly dysfunctional system. ... God’s “so-called plan” was not worthy of the Boy Scouts, let alone the lord of all creation."
- Much attention has been focused on the increase in terrorist chatter prior to 9/11. Who was in a better position to monitor this chatter than the Lord? Someone was obviously asleep at the wheel.
- As an all-powerful deity, He had the last clear chance to stop the 9/11 attack in its tracks. His failure to take action is inexcusable and will not be tolerated by this commission.
- A few thousand years ago, God set in motion a chain of events that led directly to the 9/11 attacks. In effect, a “wall” was erected between Christianity and Islam. God’s followers became divided: now Christians don't talk to Muslims, everyone hates the Jews, and all of Creation is alienated, disorganized, and confused. Commission member Jamie Gorelick stated, “Someone took a wrong turn in the desert long, long ago. Today we're paying the price for His reckless and arrogant policy decisions”.
- God’s plan for creation was clearly flawed: a loving creator should never allow such a tragedy to occur on his watch. "But this isn’t the first time ‘God’ has screwed up." Ben-Veniste remarked. "Look at the Holocaust, the slaughter in Cambodia and Kosovo, and the 2000 Presidential election."
Senator Ted Kennedy was also outraged: “And our president is asking this ‘God’ for advice? I think it’s time we asked if the relationship between God and George Bush wasn’t just a bit too chummy – his judgment was clearly compromised. That’s why we’ve been trying to get God out of the Democrat party and of public life for years. That judgment has now been vindicated.”
May 23, 2004 at 02:57 PM | Permalink
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Tracked on Jul 12, 2006 5:57:06 AM
I don't see any links crediting this little gem to anyone else so I can only conclude this is original Cassandra writing. My hat is off, beers are on me this is pure stinking genius. I was howling as I read this, I may have to come up with a new acronym.
Maybe instead of law school, writing full time is your calling.
This post is deserving of some creative marketing.
Posted by: Pile On® at May 23, 2004 3:57:51 PM
The 9/11 commission dang well better call on Abraham (and Sarah) for testimony. After all he IS an accomplice since he tried to hasten the promise and help God bring it to pass--producing Ishamel rather than waiting on the promised Isaac! And look at the grief that desicion is still causing.
So when God gives oath in the witness stand with hand on the bible, does he say "....So help Me Me."?
Posted by: CKCat at May 23, 2004 4:24:53 PM
Very good indeed. Scott Ott would be proud if this were his.
Posted by: joatmoaf at May 23, 2004 4:25:13 PM
Fine piece of writing. So, who the Dims gonna call? Ghostbusters?
Posted by: La Femme Crickita at May 23, 2004 6:05:38 PM
This is scrappleface quality writing.
Scott must be proud or jealous.
Posted by: Purple Raider at May 23, 2004 11:49:59 PM
Thanks for the encouragement guys, but somehow I don't think Scott has anything to worry about from me :)
Posted by: Cassandra at May 24, 2004 5:26:32 AM
My only question is: How long before this get's emailed around and ends up on Snopes?
Posted by: Masked Menace at May 24, 2004 10:25:19 AM
Well first they'd have to find it :)
Posted by: Cassandra at May 24, 2004 7:57:26 PM